I met a lot of awesome people in 2014.
Perhaps most notably, I met a lot of awesome people in America during my three week trip that incorporated the World Domination Summit in July. A lot of people that I had known online for years but not actually met in person, plus a lot of equally awesome people that I’d hadn’t known previously.
I learned a great many things in those three weeks, but today I want to share with you the most compelling realization I came to. That same realization will shape what I do (and how I do it) in 2015 and beyond, and it may well completely change your perspective on how you should live your life.
Meeting a Blogging “Great”
It all started with me meeting one of the biggest bloggers out there last summer. Think of a Pat Flynn or a Chris Guillebeau and you’re on the right lines. (And no, I’m not going to reveal who it was!)
We went out for lunch and chatted about everything under the sun. But it got really interesting when I began to realize that this person wasn’t really living the life he wanted to. His life was focused on a very limited set of goals (largely professional and familial) – there was a lack of balance. There were things he wanted to do that he couldn’t because of his commitments.
Despite – actually, because of – his astounding success, he was trapped by his commitments.
I’m not saying that our anonymous blogger was miserable, but I could definitely sense an air of despondency when he spoke about the things he couldn’t do because of the life he had created for himself.
This was a man that I had looked up to; perhaps even idolized to an extent. And although I have no right to feel pity for any other person (it seems arrogant and presumptuous at best), part of me did. Despite his wealth and success, he wasn’t living the kind of life that I would want to live.
On Ignoring Everyone
The moral of the story is this: there is little value in jealousy. Why? Because in being jealous, we’re not only evaluating an illusion, we’re evaluating the wrong thing. Or to put it another way, jealousy (by its primary definition) is a redundant emotion.
Let me explain. Here is the primary definition of jealousy:
Feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages.
To feel jealousy in the above-defined way is assign value to an illusion. We envy the achievements and possessions of others without knowing what it took to achieve or attain them. We are jealous of the end product without knowing the process that led to it.
Moreover, in many cases we are jealous of a perception of something, not what something actually is. For example, I was envious of the blogger I met without realizing that I was envious of an artificial reality.
There is no way for us to judge each other on a level playing field. We are constructs of our past; each of which is limitlessly complex and impossible to fully decipher. By that logic, we should not feel envious of each other’s achievements, possessions or perceived advantages because:
- we often don’t know if what we perceive is matched by reality, and
- we don’t know what it took to achieve or attain that which we feel we should be envious of.
The same logic applies when it comes to comparing yourself to others – it’s impossible to do so objectively or reliably. You’re probably comparing yourself with a construct fabricated in your mind, and you’re certainly comparing yourself without fully understanding the history that led that person to where they are; the opportunities they were afforded, the luck they experienced, the help they had, and so on.
There is no such thing as a level playing field in this world, and the more you appreciate that, the better you will understand that comparing yourself to others is an pointless exercise.
On Being Yourself
In short, all you can be sure of is how happy you are.
Therefore, focus on what you can do to make yourself happier. Don’t worry about what other people are doing; their definitions of happiness will probably be very different to yours. (Having even a rudimentary understanding that money isn’t the key to happiness will put you in far better stead than the vast majority of people.)
Once I did this, my life genuinely changed. I truly understood that there is no meaningful way to ‘keep score’ with others around me, so instead I decided to keep score with myself. Am I doing things that I enjoy? Do I get out of bed with a spring in my step every morning? Do I feel free and unencumbered to explore the world around me in a manner of my own choosing? These are the questions that matter to me now.
Moving Forwards
For me, 2015 will be all about improving my scores. You only have to look at my goals in 2015 to understand this: it’s a list of balance and variety, focusing on what I can do to better appreciate and enjoy my life, with no real concern for how it compares to anyone else.
If I look back at 2015 knowing that I had achieved all of the things I set out to do, I will feel like a more fulfilled and valuable human being than I was before. Isn’t that ultimately what it should all be about?
Norma says
Yay, great post Tom, and truly the way to live. It’s so important each day to focus on doing the things we enjoy and make up us happy. At the same time taking steps towards big dreams that are in alignment with our values. Do that, and the money, opportunities and connections flow to us easily and naturally.
Tom Ewer says
Couldn’t have put it better myself Norma!
Ali Khan says
A timely reminder indeed.
We often go about our lives in constant comparisons, drawing judgements and searching for that one distant dream which, magically somehow , will transform our lives for the better. And while we are at it, we forget to do the real thing ; the living.
As journey is the reward, so it helps to realign your compass every now and then and like you mentioned, instead of keeping scores with others ; just try becoming the greatest version of yourself doing what you love
Tom Ewer says
People often say that the reward should be in the journey, but I don’t think many people truly understand it. You certainly seem to Ali! 🙂
MR says
Thanks Tom for yet again managing to transcend the conventional concepts of career and success and distill the true mark of success in life, which is in achieving happiness.
As the quote goes, “Many people are so poor that the only thing they have is money.” If the trappings of monetary success and career recognition do not simultaneously serve as a means to further our happiness, later in life we will ask ourselves, what was it all for?
The modern world is a rat race, but we would all do better to find that balance and start seeing the beauty in the simple reality of what life is, rather than our imagination of what life ought to be.
Chelsea says
“Many people are so poor that the only thing they have is money.” — I love that quote.
I guess that’s why it’s so important when we’re so focused on lifestyle changes that we actually consider our *lifestyle*, huh?
I went through a big lifestyle and work shift throughout 2014, and I feel like my end 2014 / beginning 2015 mantra I keep repeating to myself about work is to create a job that supports my lifestyle, not a lifestyle that supports my job.
MR says
Right on Chelsea! Congratulations on making that transition in 2014, and best wishes on fulfilling your 2015 mantra! 🙂
Tom Ewer says
Thank you MR 🙂
Beth says
I loved this post, Tom! I sometimes fall victim to comparisonitis (why aren’t I as successful as XYZ?), but yeah, I don’t know what it took for them to get there, and they might not even be happy. So thanks, eyes are back on my own paper. 🙂
Tom Ewer says
You’re welcome Beth 🙂
JM says
I am not jealous of others but I envy being able to dictate when you work, where, and the hours. I enough money to have this sort of life style.
I learned a long time ago what you see is not always what it appears to be and so while you look at people with success and money as having it all or they got themselves together, most of the time this is not true. These are some of the most miserable people. I use people who have succeeded in the area I want to live as inspiration and nothing more. I am not jealous of they have I have a desire to learn how to get what they got and what I want now is more time to myself, my family, and more money.
Tom Ewer says
But envy and jealousy are synonyms JM 😉
Seriously though, I do understand what you’re saying. Using envy as fuel to inspire your own forward motion is a legitimate (and highly effective, in my experience) strategy.
JM says
I use other’s success as fuel to motivate me to get out and try and achieve the dot come life style. I desire this life style. I can care less about gurus big or small and how much money they made. I am not interested in anything else but freedom to live my life untied to a desk and someone else time clock. I want the freedom from worrying about how long my position will be available until the next job cuts. I want the freedom not to work 8 hour or 12 hour shifts. I would like to be able to go out doors for a walk in the morning or afternoon instead of being trapped indoors.
I desire the dot com lifestyle and that’s it. I use the success of others as motivation. And I think that is all people should do. I am not jealous of them.
Tom Ewer says
Sounds like you have a great attitude JM!
Dave says
I always have to stop comparing myself to those that have it “better than me”. If I do, I want it to be positive.
I was also at WDS last year and am going this year too. I’ve been using that as a point of reference on how much closer I am to “success”.
I think the biggest change since has been my focus on my blog quality, working towards having the income and flexibility to travel and of course, being myself.
Tom Ewer says
Maybe I’ll see you next year Dave!
Corina says
Hey Tom,
Interesting and timely post. Last month I realized that a person I idolized as a professional and also on a personal level, was not the person I thought she was. I wasn´t envious or jealous on her success. Quite the opposite, I was looking to her as a “guru”, but then she did something that made me realized we are all humans and, just like, you said, the definition of success is different for each of us.
I started thinking about what is my definition of success, what makes me happy and what am I willing to do to achieve it. I understood that it had nothing to do with the person I previously idolized, I want something very different for myself.
It´s so easy to fall into the trap of success defined by the society´s rules. With mass-media preaching success as in lots of money and VIP status, we loose the sight of what´s really important in life. I am not saying that money is not important. On the contrary, the more, the better.
What I am saying is that each of us has to dig dip inside, find what it´s really important for him/her and take action, regardless of the obstacles met. We owe it to ourselves to live the life we deserve.
Meghan Traudt says
Well said. I think most of us get too caught up in society’s definition of success and fail to recognize what we actually want out of life. We want the things people tell us we want and never invest the time into determining the difference between other’s desires and our own.
With regards to Tom’s post, the following quote stood out the most.
“We are jealous of the end product without knowing the process that led to it.”
People want the results without putting in the effort or even acknowledging how hard it was to get there.
I’ll definitely be thinking about this and how it pertains to my life.
Tom Ewer says
Thanks for highlighting that Meghan. Desiring something only if I can justify the work required is a core part of the decisions I make. Wishing that you magically had something without needing to make any sacrifices is a pointless mindset.
Tom Ewer says
Quite right Corina 🙂
Terri Cruce says
This post came at a perfect time for me. It’s funny how often that can happen. I’m reevaluting some things in my business life right now and trying to set new goals. I often find myself looking at what I perceive others have that is better than what I have at any given time. I know very well how fruitless that is, but it doesn’t stop me from getting caught up in it. Thanks for a great post today!
Tom Ewer says
You’re welcome Terri!
Scott Worthington says
Great post, Tom. It sounds like your “hero” blogger is no better off than the guy in the cubicle that hates his stinkin’ job and only keeps doing it to pay his stinkin’ bills.
That’s sad. Sad that someone who seemingly has SO much, doesn’t have happiness. Just proves the old saying – Happiness isn’t about getting what you want, it’s about wanting what you’ve got.
Cheers.
Tom Ewer says
Love that saying Scott; thanks for sharing it!
Kimhamlin says
Love the article! Walk a mile in my shoes doesn’t mean anything unless we can become you and then start walking…. No two people are alike regardless of backgrounds or experiences, thank you for a great read.
Tom Ewer says
You’re welcome 🙂
Jackson says
This is so spot on Tom.
Something I have to sometime remind myself while I work at my 9-5 and obviously that isn’t my dream but I also know some of my “entrepreneur” type friends are doing things that don’t necessarily align with what they really want either and the envy kinda dies down…
It just seems we’re both on a path to find what we want but we’re going about it different ways and in the end, that’s totally OK as long as neither of us give up and destroy ourselves by comparing ourselves to others.
Good luck on your 2015 goals mate, I like them a lot!
Tom Ewer says
Thanks Jackson; the same to you!
Rob Leonardo says
I found myself “leaving work behind” when I actually lost it due to retrenchment exercise. I moved on thinking I can finally do what I love (location independence) and set up a business. Then I realized I was struck with the same biz idea from my day job trying to be that fancy professional in suit! This article was very relevant for me as I realized a few days back – I should be doing what I want and where I am happy with. Not conforming what my neighbor does.
Tom Ewer says
Glad you’re with the enlightened Rob 😉
Ruth Potulin says
Wow, Tom, I have to say you gave some deep words of wisdom on this post. The example you gave is so intrinsic on how most people think about others who are successful. Now I know why you are so successful in your freelance writing. You can take any topic and make it real. Thanks for helping me to see this subject more clearly.
Tom Ewer says
Wow, thank you Ruth for the kind words, and you’re welcome!
Patrick says
Lots of sound advice within this post, Tom.
A specific point I have to add about “ignoring everyone”:
I’ve had the privilege of working within the leadership of several organizations including business, religious, and recreational. When you only see 1 side of someone, you get an incomplete picture.
The key is: everyone is human, and most humans have areas of greatness, and areas that are deeply flawed.
Rather than looking up to people or having heroes, I try to pick out traits, disciplines, etc., that I admire in people. This allows them to have flaws in other areas without diminishing their strengths.
So it’s less of a comparison, and more about modeling their strengths.
Another great post, best of luck in 2015!
Tom Ewer says
“Modeling their strengths” – I like this Patrick. Thank you for sharing!
Kim Mason says
Our Western society appears to look favourably on consumerism and those who aspire to the ever-increasing acquisition of worldly goods. But when I look deeper into the lives of people who ‘succeed’ in that manner, I rarely see much contentment or happiness. I see an exponential need to continue acquiring….
Of course, it might just be MY idea of contentment or happiness that I don’t see, and they may have an entirely different benchmark ! Best of luck to them in that case. So, thanks Tom for a post that reflects my thoughts 🙂
Tom Ewer says
My pleasure Kim 🙂
Stacey says
That was really deep, I really enjoyed reading your interspection.
I have to say I agree with you! I have had to deal with others jealousy and projections of who they think I am in the past and it’s frustrating. You find yourself going, “That’s not who I am! That’s not where I am!”
I do worry that people who do this to others on a regular basis are perhaps not in touch with who they are themselves and where they are themselves. Even though it’s not really my problem, it’s something I’ve thought in the past.
Thank you again for sharing this with everyone! you’ve got me thinking now!
Tom Ewer says
My pleasure Stacey!
Daryl says
Interesting post Tom.
I do definitely agree – lots of people are envious of those who are successful, but don’t seek to put in the work that can lead them to that success.
Meanwhile, many people THINK they know what will make them happy, but it’s really an illusion, an idea whispered into our heads day in and day out to cloud out our true desires.
Tom Ewer says
Yep! Thinking you know what makes you happy and truly knowing are two very different things!
Rose says
This was a wonderful post and quite spiritual too, in a way. As you said, jealousy or envy is “assigning value to an illusion.” Getting too caught up in this physical illusion (or physical plane) is what causes us pain. This happens even with goals, which I think is why people like your Blogger hero (and us when we compare ourselves) sometimes end up unhappy as a result of something that was intended to be good. By all means, set and achieve goals and aim high…but remember that achieving all of them or NOT, it does not take away from who you ARE. This is truly liberating and it seems like you’ve stumbled upon this realization, as it truly changes your life and allows you to “be yourself” and shine – and that’s real freedom.
Tom Ewer says
Amen Rose!
Leandro Thomas says
What a timely post, really resonated with me. So easy to get distracted by what others are doing/achieving online.
I think it also ties into the thinking around publishing income reports. Not against them as such but again, a distraction.
Been a long time reader here without commenting so thought I should start. Always enjoy the no-nonsense, down-to-earth, no hype kind of advice.
Tom Ewer says
Thanks for commenting Leandro; great to have you here in voice!
Marcin says
Hi,
I think you are going in good way, try to still develop, enrich (:D) , and stay healthy 🙂
Tom Ewer says
Thanks Marcin 🙂
Tito Pandu Brahmanto says
Hi Tom,
I’d like to know how do you suggest to get better without comparing myself to someone better than I am (in terms of skills, achievements, etc)? It’s like you don’t have parameters for yourself.
Tom Ewer says
Hey Tito,
If you set your own goals, those goals essentially become the milestones by which you can judge yourself. No need to cloud the issue by bringing other people into it – the most important thing is that you are satisfied with what you are doing.
Cheers,
Tom
Black Bart says
MBAs are jealous of humanities majors because writing in bullet points is a sign of illiteracy. Must suck to have tweets longer than your thoughts.