There is so much involved in leaving work behind and living your dream life that we often find ourselves so busy and preoccupied with our new world, we don’t notice some of the menacing undercurrents around us. That is until something unexpected happens and temporarily shatters our happy working cycle.
A few months ago I had an experience like this, and through conversations in the community forums I discovered that I was not alone. There were other people who had encountered difficult situations just like mine. There appear to be lots of people who have friends and family who just don’t ‘get’ this new lifestyle and sometimes are completely unsupportive.
This article is going to take you through that other side of leaving work behind – the darker side.
We have all been there, or may well encounter it, so by sharing this experience and opening up the conversation I want to help prove that you we are not alone, and no matter how rough the waters get, we can weather it together. Because the truth about friends and family is that they are not always there for you as you expect.
My Experience
A few months ago I had a conversation with someone I thought I could count on and trust about my new business. I expected support, encouragement, and maybe even some questions as he was starting a similar venture of his own.
What I got instead was an attack on every avenue: phone conversations, direct messages and social media.
Unprecedented, unexpected and outright mean comments and statements were hurled at me at every opportunity. He demanded proof that my business was actually a business, balance sheets to confirm I was making money, and was insulted I would dare compare his new venture to my business and offer advice (after all he went to business school, so I could not possibly help him).
I did not instigate these ‘conversations’ but rather was notified by various social media that I was tagged, or received direct messages. To say that I was shocked would be an extreme understatement. I was hurt, upset, angry, betrayed and completely appalled that someone so close to me would be so publicly and privately malicious about me and my business. The whole situation felt unreal and extremely personal.
Revealing this situation to you now still makes me feel emotional and raw thinking about it, because I absolutely cannot believe it happened. I never saw it coming. I sincerely hope you never have to encounter anything like it, but I am sad to say that this dark side of leaving work behind may rear its ugly head to you sooner or later.
The Darkness
Some attacks of this nature will be subtle and some might seem like outright war. Other cases will be people in your life who just don’t ‘get’ this lifestyle or understand how it works, so their ignorance can come out as hurtful and insulting.
Some people intend to cause injury with their words, and others probably don’t filter enough before speaking. You will encounter all kinds.
Intentional or not, when you are pumped up about developing your business, excited to be your own boss and revved up about bringing your brilliant ideas to life, any denigrating comments can be deflating.
You may be able to simply brush some things aside and not worry about them (and good for you in that case!), but chances are that the more personal the source, the more the darkness can seep into your skin.
Whether it is jealousy, fear, or not accepting who you have become, any encounter with the darkness can affect your productivity and mindset. Banishing the negative energies to where they can no longer hurt you is a priority.
I won’t lie to you – depending on your exact situation, cutting any necessary ties with negative influences is not always easy. In some cases this is a friend or family member that you will still see on a social basis. If it is a stranger, it is easier to shake off. In my case, if the person had not been so close to me, I don’t think the situation would have hit me quite as hard.
It may be business, but when you are an entrepreneur, and you live and breathe your business, your work becomes extremely personal to you. For entrepreneurs, business is very much a personal affair.
The Light
But there is a light side to this story – the good people and positive influences that push you to be better and help you at your darkest points. People who validate you, encourage you and support you through difficult times.
Talking to people (or writing a post like this) about the situation and venting your frustration can be extremely cathartic. It will not solve your issues but it can help you to remember how amazing you are and what you are capable of. It can remind you that you are not alone and that revealing your situation can help others deal with similar ones.
When I was feeling betrayed and hurt by my own experience, the first people (besides my husband) that I turned to was my mastermind group, and in particular Carlton Taylor – our chief motivator. He privately sent me some awesome encouragement and understanding and then shared those thoughts with everyone. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and I am thankful for communities that have allowed me to connect with such amazing people.
For all of the criticism, incomprehension, and hostility that you may encounter in your new ventures, you will also find like-minded individuals willing to sit in your corner. These are the people you need to actively seek out. Develop relationships with them and collaborate with them – surround yourself with the people who will bring out your ideas and fight off the negative influences with you.
The Bottom Line
Encountering resistance in your endeavors is never easy, and occasionally some of their poison will hit true and knock you back a few paces. You have to make the choice to move beyond the negative and focus on what will benefit you and help you to grow, not what will hold you back.
Unfortunately, you may encounter the darkness at some point, but my friend Carlton really phrased it perfectly when he emphasized that you shouldn’t waste your time trying to convince these negative people. Instead, invest your time cultivating relationships with people who appreciate you for who you are now and who you are aiming to be. You are not alone with your struggles, and together we can bring forth more light.
Have you gone through a similar situation? We want to hear from you! Join the conversation in the comments below or in the community forums!
Photo Credit: bobsfever
Steve Rice says
This is a great article Jo. So sorry you had to deal with this. One practical tool I’ve learned to develop is awareness. When someone (or even myself) reacts in a “knee-jerk” or “gut-level,” irrational way, I stop–immediately. Then I ask, “what’s really going on here?” or “what’s this really about?”
I have found that these powerful questions help me shift out of an emotional, triggered mindset and back into a more rational, problem-solving mindset.
This is beneficial for another reason: It allows me to filter the apparent hostility or frustration and mine nuggets of insight or truth. Are there any parts (once you shave off the nastiness) of this person’s reaction that are true or can help me? This way I don’t feel as victimized and I’m taking control of my own emotions and reactions in response to the monkey on someone else’s back.
I would imagine that your family member is projecting his own insecurities regarding his business onto you and yours. Since his attacks were so out of the blue and strange, it probably has very little or nothing to actually do with you or your business.
Not to say that those actions don’t hurt…and you’re well within your rights to call him out on bad behavior (especially the public bullying). I’m grateful you shared this experience and I hope that you will find confidence and peace in the middle of the crazy.
Best wishes!
Jo Davies says
Thanks Steve!! That is great advice to shift from an emotional response, and I definitely took that to heart! Stepping back and seeing what you can learn from the experience can be a powerful thing and I think it is also comments like yours that can help people overcome these situations. No matter what darkness comes into our lives we need to spin out the craziness and focus on us. Thanks so much for the insightful thoughts! Much appreciated, Jo 🙂
Gina says
Hi Jo!
I’ve had this happen on a more personal level from someone close & I just had to tell them how it made me feel…it may not change the way they operate/communicate, but at least I let them know how it was received.
I’m sorry this happened to you as well, but I think a lot of these reactions stem from insecurity and jealousy…it doesn’t make it easier to take though!
Jo Davies says
Hey Gina!! Sorry you had a similar situation and I know what you mean! I did speak to this person and no improvements so far but I have removed myself from the situation as much as I possibly can and moved on as best as possible! It definitely has more to do with him than me and his feelings. Hopefully that us stepping out and saying this happens helps other people in this situation! Thanks for sharing! Jo
Emily says
I just left my job a few weeks ago to pursue my own business opportunities, so this article comes at the perfect time.
While pretty much everyone has been totally supportive, there are definitely a few people who just don’t get me or what I’m trying to do. I’ve successfully explained my plan to a few already. The others are, more than likely, not going to be convinced. That’s okay. I’ve kind of come to terms with that.
I could not agree more with Carlton. Our precious time shouldn’t be wasted on trying to change the opinion of negative people. Their minds are made up. It’s more important to focus any efforts on the positives – they’ll yield more results anyway.
As you said, it’s imperative you have a solid support group. Beyond that, I think that you must remain focused on your goals. Chances are we will all deal with a lot of nay-sayers throughout our lives. Learning to effectively handle them now will help down the road!
Again, thanks for the post. Really enjoyed reading this one!
-Emily
Jo Davies says
Thanks so much Emily! Good luck on starting your journey!! Such an exciting and nerve-wracking time! Please step into the forums if we can help you in any way! You have an awesome attitude moving forward and knowing you will encounter the good and the bad is great to keep momentum! Glad this came at the perfect time for you! Thanks so much for joining the conversation! Jo 🙂
Pricilla Corey says
I have been sitting back in a corner, just reading articles . Ive always dreamed of being a writer and because of negative reactions, ive always shied away and stayed on the safe path. Im a successful hairstylist of over 30 years. People do not understand or care that I feel there’s more out there for me. But I now realize that a lot of negative reactions didnt really pertain to me. They are worried about themselves, and how a career change would affect them. Do not let negative opinions form the track of your life.
Jo Davies says
Hi Pricilla, Unfortunately people who do not understand is common, but realizing that you cannot let the negative opinions form your life can be freeing. Good luck with your endeavors! Go out and find your “more” and we are here to help you on your journey! Thanks so much for sharing! Jo 🙂
Mike Castlle says
Hi Jo,
I’m sorry to hear this happened to you. I started my blog a week ago and first announced it on Facebook yesterday. So far, I’ve gotten a few thumb ups and no negative remarks. I really don’t care if others don’t understand me; I’m not trying to please everyone.
Mike Castille
Jo Davies says
Hey Mike! Thanks, and no worries I am a survivor and I have some pretty awesome people around me, so not going to let a bad apple spoil anything!! Good luck with your new journey and keep the great attitude! Thanks for the comment, Jo
Sheila says
Hi Jo
This is definitely a common experience – and also something I’ve been going through the past few months since I decided to embark on an entrepreneurial journey.
Becoming an entrepreneur means you have elevated your mindset and have pushed back certain fears and blocks to do what you’re doing. So you are operating on this whole other energy that others don’t understand. Chances are, the people around you haven’t pushed through their fears and are still operating on their own insecurities. Plus, people tend to FEAR the unknown or what they don’t understand. The path of the entrepreneur is so counter-intuitive to the traditional stories we’re conditioned to that anything different is scary. In fact, all change is scary, regardless of whether it’s positive or negative. However, you push through the changes, whereas others don’t and that sparks their fear.
I think learning to understand and accept where they are coming from helps. It’s still a learning curve for me, but I’m getting to a place where I’m not struggling. For instance, I limit what I share with my friends when it comes to my journey and just keep it light and speak of it using their language, if ever. Now I have the acceptance of my family which has been a huge blessing ! I think the more you accept yourself and your path, the more likely others are able to accept what you’re doing. There’s no converting them, but I think when I get to that place of complete confidence and acceptance in myself, the less likely will others be bothered to oppose me.
However, it’ also good to accept that there’s no pleasing EVERYone and there are always haters. In that case, it’s best to ignore !
I hope this helps. =)
Jo Davies says
Thanks Sheila! Some great words of wisdom for people going through this. You definitely cannot please everyone, and feeling confidant in your new entrepreneurial skin is key. I have had a pretty great experience so far, and some amazing people around me, so I will not let one person spoil my path. Unfortunately this happens, and I am sorry you have been through the same thing. Great attitude though and we just need to remember it is about them and not us!! Thanks so much for the insightful comments! 🙂 Jo
Steve Roy says
Jo,
I know where you’re coming from here. When I started my site, my (now ex) wife was constantly working against me. She didn’t understand the online world and thought I was wasting my time. It was hard enough to build a blog from scratch and 10x harder to do it with resistance all the time. Fortunately I am in a different relationship now and have a great deal of support with what I do.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Jo Davies says
Thanks for sharing your story Steve! 🙂 There is more of this out there than we think, so I am glad that you are in a better place! Jo
Naomi@business start ups says
Hi Jo,
I really respect anyone who can just open up and talk about their personal experience they way you did here.
I really does help others.
I know exactly how you’re feeling, but my new approach to life is to try and learn and take away something from every bad situation (and find The Light as you did).
For example your un-supportive friend you spoke of in the beginning… At least he exposed his true colours at the time he did rather than at a time when you really was desperate and needed his help.
By the way do you still speak to this person or have you cut all ties?
Naomi
Jo Davies says
Thanks for your insightful thoughts Naomi! That is a great lesson for other people to take on board! We can always learn something from a bad situation! As to your question, the answer is yes and no. I have cut ties as much as I can, but this is a person who is a part of my life and we will have to behave in certain situations 😉 I think the post got him thinking as he wants to talk… we will see what happens. I can always hope for lessons learned and happy resolutions but anyone who encounters this needs to know they are not alone and we can move forward and make our success! Thanks again, Jo
Iniobong Eyo says
WOW… utterly speechless!
This speaks for me completely. Sorry you had to go through that Jo.
It’s not quite easy, and yes it can knock one a few paces back too. I’ve experienced that and it can really be heartrending, depending on the level of closeness with the ridiculer or opposer.
Not to talk of friends who feel that when you’re on a laptop it’s simply a way for you to wile away time, and that you’re not working.
Sadly, most such ones can’t be convinced otherwise.
Just what I needed. ‘Tis quite encouraging to read this post.
Jo Davies says
Thanks Iniobong! I am sorry for anyone who has to go through a similar situation! Glad that the post was what you needed to hear and that it was encouraging for you that was my intention 🙂 Thanks so much, Jo